I have been alone now for almost 8 years. I have been alone in a way that I never understood alone existed. You see, I am one half of a whole that has been separated by death. Til death do us part and it has. The first time we took those words in we didn’t understand what they meant. Ten years later when we declared them again, we were clear and from that point on we lived them out for another 12 years before death did us part.
We think we can hide behind our friends and family when we our other half dies. I say die specifically. It’s not, when we lose our spouse, if I lost him, I would find him. I know what happened to him. I watched each painful moment, slowly, over time, like a clock winding down. I was there the morning he stopped breathing and his body shut down and we let him go. I was there every step of the way, giving him as much love and compassion and caring as I possibly could as he would have done me. I saw the years turn my athletic, active, handsome surfer man into a crippled, bloated, pained man who had all that he loved in life taken away from him except his family. Pain became his closest companion and overshadowed the rest of his life and we did our best to love him through it.
So then he dies. And I am alone. Two sons to mourn with but we all do it differently. And in order to mourn and grieve and begin again, I start fresh. New town, new job, new. But I take myself with me. And I am alone. Some friends locally but at the end of each day, alone. Alone like I have never been in my life. Living alone, caring only for me, not needing to check on anyone else, minding my own business. Terrifying.
It takes 3 years to get comfortable being alone. Three years. But what I realize is, everyone ultimately is alone, no matter how many friends, family, whatnot, alone is our state on this planet. We just match ourselves up with people and try to mask that existence is singular. We choose to spend time with others but in reality aren’t we all alone?
As I spend more and more time with myself there are more breakthroughs and realizations of who I am and who I am not. I am a loving and caring person. I am a seeker and interested in others on the planet. I am compassionate. I am social. I am sad. I am lucky and grateful. I am fortunate for all the choices I have in my life. I am challenged for all the choices I have in my life. I am a procrastinator. I am lazy. I am picky. I love animals and people. I am challenging. I am not easy. I am beautiful. I am fit. I am blessed. I am healthy. I am abundant in mind, soul, body and world. I can create what I want in this life and have been doing so. I do not suffer fools. I have low tolerance for what I think people should know. I am not as good a team player as I thought. I lose patience.
Being alone becomes easier. But do I want it to? Loving someone unconditionally and being loved unconditionally, for me this is the purpose of life on the planet. What is living without this. Having a job but no life is no life at all. A change is in order. Enough alone. Now alone together.